Chubby Afro TV Watch/The Fall TV Season Begins…

Signs Of The Fall #1--Groups of pretty young folks with the cold dead eyes taking group shots start appearing everywhere

The new television season is upon us.

How do I know?  By the time it starts, I’ve long since forgotten that BIG BROTHER is still even on the air until the next summer when I always think to myself, when I see the first promo of the year for BB, “Wow, BIG BROTHER is still on the air?”

Yes, it’s the new television season and I thought that I would just give some reviews that absolutely no one asked for on some of the programming that I’ll be watching.

I didn’t plan on doing this for another week but, last night, I was faced with a dilemma of watching that swarmy chunky bastard, Lunkhead Luke The Puke (left) on MORE TO LOVE toss out gag-o-matic mack-daddy lines to women who, regardless of weight and/or appearance,

I'm The Juggernaut, Bitch...

can do MUCH better than that summabitch OR I could check out the remake of MELROSE PLACE on the Colored Where? CW.  Turns out the choice was like deciding what’s “better”, a heart attack or finding out that your mother’s gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Back in the day, MELROSE PLACE was supposed to be the “cooler” twentysomething version of 90210.

What it actually was, however, was B-O-R-I-N-G.  It managed to make California look like one pretty f*cking lame place to be.  Pretty young people, talking about some tired old boolshyt.  Then towards the end of that bland first season, somebody said “the hell with this s*it”, brought in Heather Locklear, let her unleash her inner chickenhead, turned Dr. Mancini (Thomas Calabro) into a tramp stamp looking for a back, threw that goodie-goodie storyline into the garbage and the rest is over-the-top nighttime soap opera history.  Good times, good times.  But that was then and the show had a good run and then it was done, forever.   Yeah, right.  It’s obviously easier to remake something in TVAmerica than it is to hire somebody to create something, so after the 90210 remix, allegedly didn’t suck, we all should have expected that a MP revamp was coming and braced ourselves.

I wasn’t expecting MASTERPIECE THEATRE and when I found out that Ashlee Simpson was a part of the new cast in the role of the “new girl in town” (must.resist.plastic.surgury.jokes.must.resist), I yawned, scratched my ass and kept it moving.  Nothing to see here.  Yet, instead of paying attention to my instincts, I was willing to give the show the benefit of the doubt.

Holy Mother Of Jesus, that’s the last time I do that.

This show is B-A-D.  As I said last night on Twitter:

“wow, the MELROSE PLACE remake is bad, Spenser & Heidi on Soul Train bad”

Speaking of which, that’s what this show reminds me of someone who watched Melrose Place as a kid, when they were older, interned for the guys who created THE HILLS and said to themselves one day as they were taking Lauren Conrad’s dog for a poop walk:

“Hey, what if I remade MELROSE PLACE but made it more like THE HILLS!  That would be sooooo awesome!”

No, it ain’t.

Things start off with a blast from the past, Sydney (Laura Leighton) from MP Original is the landlady of the apartments now.  Or I should say, was, because she’s face down in the swimming pool, deader than originality in TV programming, before the first commercial break. 

After that, I could have turned off the TV because that was the highpoint.  Dr. Mancini’s still around and now he has a vapid kid who lives in the apartment complex and, I guess, is one of the main suspects in the “great” WHO KILLED SYDNEY…AGAIN storyline (out of all the folks who were on this show, why bring back somebody who was already killed off, only to kill them again?  My head aches).  There’s some weird flashback scene, one of the ladies is a “hey, look at me, I’m a attention lipstick lesbian whore”, another one of the ladies is involved in a INDECENT PROPOSAL situation (but since we’re in a recession, she’s only being offered five grand…it’s hard out there for a pimp) and I totally didn’t notice, no, recognize Ashlee Simpson until I saw this promo poster.

Ashlee's the one in red with the new face on...

What a clusterf*ck.  I’m sure, as the season progress, other MP Original alumni will come back to their old apartment (because that’s what we all do, go back to our old apartments, right?) and I would pray that these storylines and these Rent-A-Center actors all get their acts together but I won’t be around to find out.

Next week, I will be watching Luke The Puke.