101 Signs Of The Apocalypse #411/Cell Phone Elbow & Blackberry Thumb

From the people who brought you ADD, ADHD, PMDD (as if PMS wasn’t enough) and the XFL:

Oh my, could this describe the misery that you’ve been going through, my friend?

It may begin with aching, tingling, numbness, or burning in your hand, forearm, and elbow. Perhaps the elbow pain and other symptoms seem worse when you’re talking on your cellphone (When talking on a cellphone without a headset, the elbow is usually held in an unnatural, flexed position, at an angle greater than 90 degrees) or using a computer. The symptoms may indicate cubital tunnel syndrome, also referred to as “cellphone elbow.” It’s a problem that doctors say they’re seeing more of as people become more reliant on technology, including cellphones and computers.

Do you have *gasp* CTS?!?  Get away from me!  

Less common, but just as troublesome is the so-called “blackberry thumb.” It is a repetitive stress injury from typing on those tiny keyboards.

Holy crap!  If you gots the blackberry thumb, too, then there is no hope for you!  Just take you out back and shoot you.  You’re no good for the gene pool.  If you’re allowed to breed, then you just might pass the Cell Phone Elbow and Blackberry Thumb onto future generations! 

This almost happened in 19th Century with the dreaded Bowie Knife Wrist.

Oh I’m sure that after a long day of killing bears and depleting Texas and Louisiana of renegade Indians,

“Oww, I heard something pop, Bowie said as he scalped the Indian brave he had just stabbed in the gut about 14 times.”

Jim Bowie had to ice down his wrists, too.  The history books will tell you that Bowie died fighting for Texas independence from Mexico at the Alamo. 

The truth is that the Mexican Government got tired of all those OSHA reports that Bowie kept sending them, trying to get paid for his Bowie Knife carpel tunnel so they decided to give him their answer to his claims in person.  By doing so, they saved us all from the dreaded Bowie Wrist. 

True story.*

*Story not really true.   

What I am trying to say is, Americans have become such Pusses. 

Back in the day, nobody sat around crying about their feet hurting after walking on the Oregon Trail and that badboy wasn’t even paved.  When people in the Donner Party started getting hungry, they didn’t start crying and whining and looking for a Burger King, they sucked it up and started eating one another.  You think General Custer would have let a sore thumb from Tweeting the previous day would have stopped him from looking for some Native American ass to kick at Little Big Horn?  Hell no, because he was a idiot, but also, because he was tough! (nah, I think it was because he was a big asshole who got just what he deserved when the entire Sioux nation just happened to be in attendance the day he wanted to beat down some women and kids.  Custer sucks.)

 

When Massa’s wife was holding out or ugly, Massa kept it moving and headed right down to the Slave Quarters, damn skippy!  I’m pretty sure that Martin Luther King, Jr. would have loved to call in sick  the day after the Alabama State Trooper opened up a can of whoop civil rights activists ass on that road from Selma to Montgomery but he didn’t.  He marched not just once but twice after that.

Back in the day, nobody bitched and moaned unless somebody cut off a leg or something.  Now we have Cell Phone Elbow and Blackberry thumb?  Man, we suck!